Why bullies bother us so much

Most people get upset by bullies because they attack our self esteem.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. All humans are insecure. We evolved to be dependent on our tribe, the people we surround ourselves with. To be removed from the tribe or ostracized, evolutionarily speaking could mean death.

The result, we seek approval from the groups we are in and are very attuned to our status within a group. So when someone challenges us and tells us we don’t belong, it hurts. A lot more than it really should.

Blame evolution for these feelings.

The fact that this works to make most people upset, is the reason bullies do it. It makes them feel powerful and less insecure when they do this.

The challenge for those of us who just want to get along is to NOT allow the bullies to dictate who we are friends with and to NOT give in to the temptation to feel sorry for ourselves or to socially isolate ourselves out of fear that people won’t like us.

The way I deal with this is by doing 2 things. 1) I understand the science about why I am responding to them this way and 2) I understand the science of how to respond to make them stop.

This allows me to view the what is happening more realistically. The bully doesn’t speak for the group. So I should be looking towards other nicer people for acceptance.

The 2nd thing it does is it gives me the confidence to respond in a way that allows ME to control the dynamic and take the power away from the bullies.

I made this website to help people learn the science and the skills too.