No. Bullies are humans too and have their own problems. Plus, hate doesn’t help us deal with it or make the unwanted behavior stop. And, hate doesn’t feel good. Hate is triple plus bad.
Being bullied is upsetting. I get it. And anger is a normal emotional response to being upset. The problem is – as Yoda from Star Wars wisely said:
Fear leads to anger
Anger leads to hate
And hate … leads to suffering.– Yoda, Jedi Master
If you are being bullied, you are already suffering. Hating the bully, will lead to more suffering. And it probably won’t be the bully who suffers. It will be you.
The best outcome of a bullying situation is for the bullying to stop. That is your goal. Hating the bully will not make the bully stop. It won’t make you feel better. It will probably just cement you in your present misery.
It is much better to decide – ok – I don’t like what is happening. What do I need to do to make it stop. This, is a productive question and it has a really good answer.
Focus on making them stop
That answer is – you need to train the bully to stop. And you do this – not with hate, but with compassion.
Getting angry at a bully, while it’s a perfectly normal response, doesn’t help you make a bully stop. All it does it make the bullying seem justified by turning what was bullying, into a conflict. And again – feeling anger, doesn’t feel very good. It’s upsetting to be angry. It’s also energizing, but wouldn’t you rather feel happy? I know I would.
To feel happy, and to make a bully stop, feeling compassion really does help.
First – it means that when the bully is mean, it doesn’t really bother you because, it’s just them being mean. It’s not about you. It’s about them and whatever is going wrong for them that they think hurting other people will make them feel better. It doesn’t. And you don’t need to take whatever they do personally or feel hurt by it. Their behavior is a reflection on them.
The second thing feeling compassion will do for you is that feeling compassion – feels great!!!! It really does. Would you rather feel compassion or frustration? See?
The third thing it will do is it will help you develop a strategy to make the bully stop. When you are angry or hate-filled. Your strategy is almost always about making the other person hurt like you do. When you are feeling compassion, your strategy is not about adding suffering to the world, it’s about eliminating it.
First, you eliminate your own suffering, then you try – to help the other person suffer less too. You may not succeed at helping someone who is angry and negative, but at least you will have not added to the suffering of the world.
How to build your self esteem
And it’s this last bit that is most important. When you feel good about yourself, because you know you are a good person trying to do good things, the mean people of the world cannot hurt you. And this feeling of feeling good about yourself and how you choose to act, isn’t something you can just decide to feel. You feel it when your actions and your words are consistent with your values. Specifically, your values of compassion and caring for other people.
It’s ok that some people are not in a place to reciprocate. YOU are the good caring person you want to be and that actually is enough.
Good luck. Be loving and fearless.