Question:
Why is it so hard for me to ignore people from making fun of me when I have been bullied my whole life? Shouldn’t I be used to it?
Answer
The answer to this is that at THIS point, you’ve been conditioned to pay attention and to look for it and be aware of it because of it happening in the past.
It is a pattern your brain has come to expect. And – to start ignoring it – requires you to break the habit of – paying attention.
Your brain is great at pattern recognition. This is both a good thing (recognize threats) and a bad thing (see threats where there are none).
The process of how to break this habit is the same for all habits.
Notice the Pattern
Notice the pattern. So – in the moment, notice you are paying attention when it happens. Label it. I just noticed how I was emotionally responding to people making fun of me.
After 2–3 weeks of – noticing, start trying to insert a – pause. And use that pause to introduce an alternate thought. If your dominant emotion has been to be hurt or to care that they make fun of you. The alternate thought when you notice that feeling, is to say- I am going to choose – not to care. For me – my alternate is to think about what must be wrong with the other person that they are acting rudely. I find when I think about what is wrong with the other person, I feel less hurt. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about them – being a flawed human being.
Practice
Practice this. It will take a while. I’ve gotten my – switch from hurt to – awww – that poor person doesn’t know how to behave properly down to about – 10 seconds after quite a bit of practice.
Practice this some more. The practice is not about being perfect. It’s about pairing your conditioned response (feeling hurt or scared) with a new response – it’s ok. I’m not in danger. It’s just really sad that this other person doesn’t know or isn’t in control enough to behave.
Practice some more. I find compassion helps. Compassion for myself and my emotions – which are totally valid. Compassion that it takes time to unlearn old habits and replace them with new ones. And compassion for the other person who is – hurting so much that they are hurting others. Habits take time to unlearn and new habits (compassion based – and filled with love for yourself) take time to form. The key – is to keep practicing until it becomes a habit.
Advice
Note. Once you are at this point, where your response is actually calm an emotional. You can choose to add in a standard preplanned retort. If they are insulting you – a retort can be: Thank you for that information. It’s very helpful. said with a smile and direct eye contact. This lets them know you heard them. That you are unbothered by it and it will make you less fun to insult. However, if you do this – understand that they will go through a series of behavioral changes in response to your response because – insulting people is a habit for them and your nonstandard response and confidence will throw them off. Their likely reaction will be to laugh and to try different approaches.
The thing to understand is – it’s only at stage 5 – where – the ignore them and they’ll go away starts to actually work. And that’s because you aren’t ignoring them at that point. You are now not giving them the reward they are seeking for their bad behavior. The point is – it’s their bad behavior – not yours.
Good luck.