This was a comment I got on one of my anti-bullying videos. The person was saying, no – they don’t need to feel compassion for their bully. I get it. No one wants to feel bad for a bully. But that’s not the point of feeling compassion.
If you are being bullied, the last thing you want to do is feel bad – for the bully. What about you! You are the injured party here. Won’t someone feel bad for you?!?!?
Yes. I feel bad for you. I feel bad for anyone being bullied or suffering from this sort of thing. Absolutely NOONE deserves to be treated badly. Including and especially you. That’s why I publish this blog and put out books and provide free materials for you to learn how to make it stop. I would rather spend my time watching movies, but here I am – trying to help you, because I really do care.
But my caring isn’t enough. Some people do behave badly. The best thing that can happen for you, is that they stop targeting you.
Complaining about it won’t make them stop. Asking them nicely, won’t make them stop. Waiting for someone else to fix the problem, won’t make it stop. Stewing in your own thoughts hoping against hope that this person behaving badly will suddenly change for the better and recognize you as fully human, doesn’t normally work either.
What does work?
Behavioral science specifically.
If there is an unwanted behavior being directed at you, and you want it to stop, pretty much the only way to make it stop, is to use a technique known as “extinguishing a behavior.” That’s what I teach. That’s what all the material on this website – which you can access for free – teaches.
How to make unwanted behavior, like bullying stop, so you can get on with living your best life without being harassed. To me, that is success. I don’t want you to be a victim. I want to empower you to fix this problem!
Because – in order to make this technique work, you have to give the bully a neutral response consistently. This really is the ONLY way to make unwanted behavior of any type stop.
To make unwanted behavior stop, you have to stop rewarding it.
This is why well meaning adults and friends say – ignore it and it will go away. What they really mean is – don’t reward the bully anymore!
If a bully is making you upset, that’s their reward. There are sick people out there who find pleasure in making other people miserable. If you are miserable, they are happy.
Don’t let them make you miserable, and you will stop rewarding them.
How do you do this? Feel pity for them instead. They aren’t in control, you are. And you – are a better person than they are. And you – feel sorry for people who are sick and unable to behave well.
This is the key to making the science work! Feeling sorry for them makes sure you response, doesn’t accidentally reward the bully.
What compassion doesn’t mean
I’m not telling you to be their friend. If they aren’t nice, they aren’t someone you should be friends with. I’m not telling you to go out of your way to be nice to them either. I’m tell you to pity them and feel sorry for an individual who isn’t behaving well.
The alternatives are to continue to be upset. Which would you rather feel? Upset? Or pity that someone is so damaged that they are hurting others. Personally, I’d rather feel pity for someone than hurt that they don’t like me.
Them not liking me, is NOT my problem. It’s theirs. Pity!
It’s a mindset shift that makes a HUGE difference in how you experience life. And it really does work. Pretty much every major philosopher and religion teaches compassion for others for a reason. It REALLY works.
The bonus is, that you won’t become a bully yourself as you try to out bully a bully – which can’t be done. Instead, you will behave towards others in a loving way, and that will make you feel good. It really will.
To learn more about the science, the technique and how to make bullies stop as well as how to harness the power of compassion to – you know – rule the world and all – join the website and get access to all the materials. You can register for free if you like or you can make a donation to help me pay for the upkeep of the website.
I’ve got books, videos and more. Let me know if I can help.