Step 1: Document
The first thing you need to do for yourself – is start documenting what is happening. Create a spreadsheet. Date, time, location, who was there (witnesses), who was involved (alleged aggressor and alleged victims – note anyone not you who is also being targeted in addition to the stuff you experience), what exactly happened. And what was said if anything.
Keep that for about a week or 2. For bullying to be bullying it needs to be a pattern of behavior. So – that is what you need to document. And – it can be a LOT. Minor things count. Your goal at this stage, – document the pattern of behavior.
Once you have that document, keep documenting as you do step 2.
Step 2: Figure Out Your Response
This is a multiple step. (1) your response, (2) share documentation with authorities and parents.
(1) Figure out how to respond to the major types of behavior you want to address out of the list. Basically you need to figure out what is called a delta. Which is a signal that the behavior is not working. So – it’s a non-response response.
For verbal bullying. You need a verbal response. Keep it simple and practice whatever you decide to say – out loud so it comes out of your mouth in th emoment. You can say – that is not appropriate. Or simply – Don’t. And then – wait for them to respond to that. Just – stare at them making eye contact if possible. If that is uncomfortable – look at their forehead or ear. Expect them to do whatever it is again. Repeat your Delta. Calmly and compassionately. Your goal is to NOT be fun to bully. You do this by politely calling it out as not ok. And by not being emotional or scared or submissive. So make it clear to the bully you are not bothered by them with your body language and facial expressions. Look up grey rock technique. You also do this to make it clear to bystanderes that what happened wasn’t ok. Usually others will eventually intervene to get the bully to stop when you do this. Alternately – you can call them out with humor. See Brooke’s Gibb’s videos on that. The point is – use your delta 100% of the time.
For threats of violence – tell them – if they do that, you will report them. This isn’t’ a threat. It is a fact. And if they do whatever it is – and it is possible they will, you report them. Not angrily but – matter of factly.
For actual violence – don’t change anything. Document all instances of violence. Don’t call it bullying. Be specific about what exactly is happening. Were you assaulted, punched in the head, tripped. Don’t ever call physical violence bullying. It isn’t. Be specific. If you are experiencing this, take your documentation log to your parents and ask them to help you take it to the principal.
(2) Once you have a documentation log showing a pattern of behavior, you can bring it to the school psychologist or social worker. Also make sure your parents have seen it as well and if you want their help, ask for it. That is up to you. When you bring this forward, do not use the word bullying to describe what is happening. It isn’t. It is harassment and assault (if physical).
Express concern for the bully. I realize this is counter intuitive and difficult to muster. But, you want the focus to be on the bully, and not on you. To do that, focus on the bully. This person is behaving inappropriately AND if they keep doing it, they are going to end up in jail. They need an intervention. This is what they are doing. Not just to me, but they have other victims. Your goal is to get them engaged with helping the bully get the help they need, whatever it is. You are just a kid. All you can do is let them know a fellow student is clearly suffering and acting out. Trust me – this approach works!
Step 3: Be prepared for the blowback.
You are going to want to look up extinction bursts to understand the science. My website has lots of free videos to explain it. But basically this is behavioral psychology 101. If there is a pattern of behavior, and it stops working, the animal doing the behavior will escalate their behavior to try and get their reward back. So – say a rat is in a cage and it presses a lever to get a treat. And it’s been doing this for years. One day the lever doesn’t work. What does the rat do? They press it more and more until they are frantically pushing that lever. If the lever stays broken, they will eventually give up- kind of sort of. They will do it way way less, but they will occasionally come back and press the lever – just in case it’s working again. This is true for every animal ever studied. Ever. This isn’t an – it might happen. It’s a – gonna happen.
In a bullying situation, your bully is the rat – and you are the lever. Expect your bully to escalate when you change your response to their behavior. Which is why – if this is verbal – or a threat of violence, go ahead and address it on your own – letting your parents know if you want. If they are already physically violent, understand an escalation of physical violence will be a LOT more physical violence. Do NOT change what you are doing. Instead, provide the evidence of the physical violence to your parents and the school. What you need to do is to be 100% consistent in your response. So – depending on the form the violence takes. You may want to issue a delta – understanding it will escalate their behavior. But have a plan on what to do when it happens (not if).
Step 4: Be consistent.
There is no magic way to make them just stop. Behavioral extinction (stopping bullying) is a process that takes place over time. You need to be consistent in your response over time to be successful. If they get more aggressive, it means what you are doing is working. If you start working again – they will learn that they just need to be more aggressive to get their reward back. So – as hard as it is- be consistent with your deltas. Once you start this process, see it through to the finish.
How bad can it get – ohhhh – it can get bad. So – decide how bad it is now and then decide if you want to actually take this on or not. No shame either way. Hunkering down and not responding in a quiet way – can also be super effective as you aren’t responding the way they like. Not everything has to be super confrontational.
Good luck.